MADNESS, SILENCE & DETACHMENT

Spending the Silent Day has been both powerful and unsettling. I can’t talk, can’t look at anyone, can’t share what’s happening inside me — and that’s the hardest part.

I’ve had so many reflections about myself, about life, about everything… but I can’t express them. It’s like all that inner movement got locked inside, and to protect myself from feeling completely suppressed by the silence, I’ve unconsciously blocked part of me, like I built a small shield to stop myself from losing my essence.

Usually, the day before my period, I’m emotional, crying, and sensitive. But today, I feel strangely neutral — not sad, not happy, just here. Emotionless, maybe as a way of self-protection.

I haven’t been bored… I cleaned, studied, cooked, wrote, and organized… maybe that wasn’t the ideal thing to do on this day… but I guess I filled my day with tasks uncounsciously, just to keep my mind busy. Maybe to avoid sitting with my thopughts and myself too much.

This silence made me realize something else: how much time I spend on my phone. Even though I came to India to disconnect, I’ve been texting, calling, and scrolling way more than I expected. Probably because I’ve been alone, and my phone became my way to feel connected.

It’s also ironic, I wrote both my bachelor’s and master’s thesis on mindfulness, yet I’ve only now started truly practicing it. Maybe Thailand will be my chance to be more present, more grounded, and less dependent on the digital noise. We’ll see…

Still, I have to say, even though this day made me quiet, strong and detached, I miss the other Júlia. The one who laughs loudly, cries openly, and feels everything deeply. Maybe I just need to find the balance between both. Be myself but also be able to control myself.