The Ocean Within Myself

So, it arrived, my PMS has just started. And I’ve describe it as the ocean within myself.

Today, I stood there, calm and peaceful, when the first small wave reached me. It always starts like that: unexpected. You never know how strong it will be, but usually it’s soft, just a reminder that more waves are coming. After it passes, calm returns, but you already know another one will follow… and then another…

Slowly, the waves grow bigger. They hit harder. Sadness, anger, confusion — they all come with the waves. And every time they crash, happiness, strength, and motivation fade a little more.

The days pass, and then PUM, a big wave arrives. You see it coming, but there’s no time to escape. It hits, takes your power away, and before you can breathe again, an even stronger one follows, full of anger and chaos. You feel weak, so small, until you look ahead and see a giant tsunami forming. It’s made of insecurities, unreal thoughts, pain, and fear. It comes closer and closer until it finally swallows you whole.

I feel desperate. I feel like I’m dying, like no one loves me. Powerless. Useless. Invisible.

Then I close my eyes. When I open them again, a sudden warmth and pain rise through me, the storm has reached the shore. My body releases what it’s been holding, and with it comes a strange relief. The ocean is calm again. No more waves. I feel confident. I feel myself. I know what’s real and what’s not. I love myself. I’m strong again.

And then I look back, trying to understand what just happened. Everything feels unreal. How could such a huge tsunami have happened when now everything looks so peaceful?

That’s when I realize… there was never a tsunami. The waves were real, yes, but they were never that big. I just forgot my own size.